It’s been a long time since I posted a blog. It’s not that I haven’t been writing…well, I
have only written a few, but not posted any.
I could explain why and what’s been going on in my head, but the reality
is that it’s been less about my head and more about my heart. It’s been suffering the kind of heartbreak that
you get when you let people down by being yourself or showing a side of you
that maybe people don’t want to see…in you or in them. Maybe it’s part of that mirror that which is
invisibly held between us, that causes us to shirk or react at something we see
in others…possibly because we don’t want to acknowledge that element in
ourselves. Sometimes I can be snarky,
and raw, and occasionally mean (yup). But it is not intentionally so, and I know I am
not perfect, but while I strive to be a better person, I also try not to shove
down those ragged edges of who I am and pretend to be someone else. I need to remember this in dealing with
others. That sometimes their raw and
snarky self comes out when maybe they don’t realize, and I need to accept them
as I do myself. Sometimes that’s harder
than it seems. Sometimes I am hurt by
the actions of others and can’t shake it easily. I began my writing to express myself
and work through my experiences and challenges, and because the spoken word is a bit challenging for me and it helps to get stuff
out of my head so that I can move on instead of stuffing my crap down.
One of my teachers asks “are you willing to disappoint another to be
true to yourself?” and so I wonder…how true are we to ourselves and
others? How much are we willing to give up of ourselves, and what is the exchange
for how it may be received by others? I
don’t know, and I don’t know that I ever will.
But, in the interest of healing my broken heart and moving forward, I am
accepting a challenge from another of my teachers…to practice clarity and
fairness in my writing. And so, I write,
and what’s more, I am working to open my heart to share my writing again. I am grateful to those who have supported me
on this journey. And I apologize to
those of you who may have been hurt by my words. I hope that either way, as I begin again, we,
too, have the opportunity begin again. And,
if you think I suck or my writing sucks, then please don’t read it. It’s your choice. And this is mine: passion, beauty, gratitude,
inquisitiveness, healing, exploration, and the occasional snark. I'm back.
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