Beginning again

It’s been a long time since I posted a blog.  It’s not that I haven’t been writing…well, I have only written a few, but not posted any.  I could explain why and what’s been going on in my head, but the reality is that it’s been less about my head and more about my heart.  It’s been suffering the kind of heartbreak that you get when you let people down by being yourself or showing a side of you that maybe people don’t want to see…in you or in them.  Maybe it’s part of that mirror that which is invisibly held between us, that causes us to shirk or react at something we see in others…possibly because we don’t want to acknowledge that element in ourselves.  Sometimes I can be snarky, and raw, and occasionally mean (yup).   But it is not intentionally so, and I know I am not perfect, but while I strive to be a better person, I also try not to shove down those ragged edges of who I am and pretend to be someone else.  I need to remember this in dealing with others.  That sometimes their raw and snarky self comes out when maybe they don’t realize, and I need to accept them as I do myself.  Sometimes that’s harder than it seems.  Sometimes I am hurt by the actions of others and can’t shake it easily.  I began my writing to express myself and work through my experiences and challenges, and because the spoken word is a bit challenging for me and it helps to get stuff out of my head so that I can move on instead of stuffing my crap down.  One of my teachers asks “are you willing to disappoint another to be true to yourself?” and so I wonder…how true are we to ourselves and others? How much are we willing to give up of ourselves, and what is the exchange for how it may be received by others?  I don’t know, and I don’t know that I ever will.  But, in the interest of healing my broken heart and moving forward, I am accepting a challenge from another of my teachers…to practice clarity and fairness in my writing.  And so, I write, and what’s more, I am working to open my heart to share my writing again.  I am grateful to those who have supported me on this journey.  And I apologize to those of you who may have been hurt by my words.  I hope that either way, as I begin again, we, too, have the opportunity begin again.  And, if you think I suck or my writing sucks, then please don’t read it.  It’s your choice.  And this is mine: passion, beauty, gratitude, inquisitiveness, healing, exploration, and the occasional snark.  I'm back. 

Just sayin’.

Waiting to exhale… [December 14, 2013]

During a massage the other day, the practitioner, a wonderfully intuitive woman, mentioned to me that I appeared to hold myself in my chest.  At first, I thought, ‘how beautiful, I am heart centered’ but when I inquired if that was what she meant, she said, “no, you hold yourself up in your chest, like you are stuck there on the inhale.”  Even though I was lying down, I could feel myself slump into the table…yes, it seems all my life I have been holding the inhale…and the more and more work I do to heal and realign to a better self, all it seems is that I’m now more aware and can accept the notion that I am stuck on the inhale.

My childhood was not a beautiful basket of spring flowers.  It was more like a tornado sweeping through the air, unclear of where and when it would touch down next.  My parents, at least three of the four of them, had pretty short tempers.  And I felt like I was often at the receiving end of some kind of parental outrage.  Now that I am older, I can understand (and work on forgiving them for) how challenging it must have been to be juggling a gaggle of children, jobs and responsibilities.  As a kid, I was way less understanding, and had little ability to get out of the situation (believe me, I tried).  So, I developed my own survival skills…I am blessed that my experience left me with an amazing ability to tap into my intuition, to read people, the energy of a room and into the space that I am surrounded by.  All of these skill sets are things that make me so good at my job.  But, that type of upbringing also kept me holding my inhale, waiting for the next bomb to go off.  And I became more comfortable with it than healthy people should. 

When I was out on my own, in my 20’s I was used to the abusive behavior of people towards each other, I had not yet learned that there was no reason to accept it or to surround myself with it.  Luckily, I had good friends who showed me love and light, without the hurtful side effects.  It was in this time of my life that I discovered yoga, scuba diving, running, connecting with my love of nature and music.  And finally, after living with an abusive alcoholic for almost 6 years, I had a breakthrough…that I would not take it anymore, and would not allow those types of people to populate my life.  I was going to stop surrounding myself with people who caused me to hold my breath, and learn how not to get stuck on the inhale, so I might finally be able to breathe more freely…

My 30’s became a period of establishing who I was and what served me.  I worked my ass off trying to establish a firm footing as a woman in a man's profession.  I traveled the world.  I was plagued, at times, putting my foot down so harshly that I became the one who should have treated others better.  The pendulum had swung in the other direction.  And while love had come into my life, it also walked out because I was so unwilling to compromise the foundation I had poured for myself.  My practice deepened.  My breath was freer, because I had less around it to hold it back, but I was still holding on…stuck on the inhale, and not really knowing how to let go and just breathe with ease.

And now here I am, in my 40’s…love and lost again, survivor of injury, caretaker to friends and family, in a job that seems to taken more than it has given, and expanding my horizons to see what else might be out there for me.  I have amazing friendships and am blessed with the supportive and inspiriting connections in my life.  I am trying to be aware, both of my own energy and how I project it at others; how others throw their energy at me and how much I am willing to take on.  I am finding that much of the key is in my breath.  On a recent trip home to my parent’s house, I saw myself falling into the same patterns, and I reminded myself that I have the ability to exhale, and release the energy of the moment.  It is my choice to get stuck on the inhale, and take in what is being thrown at me, or not.  And choose to exhale.  

Many of my favorite things: scuba diving, yoga, energy work, hiking and being active, rely on consciousness of the breath.  They say we study (and teach) what we need to work on, and so my practice seems to revolve around the breath.  While over the years, I have let go of so much (sometimes it feels like too much), at times I am still stuck on the inhale, trying to experience all of life and hold onto it, even when it may not serve me.  So, I continue with my practice, a re-learning of sorts, and consciously reminding myself to exhale, to let go...Now if I could just remember that every time I get stuck on the inhale...

Transition, part 1 [December 13, 2013]

The week of December 6th, after a yoga class I taught, one of the students came up to me to thank me for the class and remarking that he had never given so much attention into the transitions between postures, and what an amazing experience it was for him to be fully aware that in the time in between.  I smiled.  Yoga practice is one place where I love to experience the transition and one of the reasons I love vinyasa flow.

I have always been infatuated with transition.  There is something beautiful and hopeful in the process of going from one place to another, in our bodies, in our minds, in space and time.   Transition is spring with the flowers beginning to bloom, or autumn when the leaves turn color and fall from the trees.   Transition is in every moment, for we are always on our way from here to there.  Last night, I stepped outside and caught a cloud floating across the moon, witnessing that there was a rainbow all the way around the moon.  It was beautiful, but within moments the cloud floated by and the rainbow was gone.  I was lucky enough to catch the transition, but also with its passing came the recognition that transition is temporary, as all we know is.    

My first awareness of my infatuation with transition came from seeing the Grateful Dead.  Some of my favorite parts of the show were the times in between songs, when one riff was fading and you could hear another tune occupying the space between; that blending of the old into something new with a sparkle of what was to come and a gentle letting go of what was.  In those times, my ears perked up and savored the notes, and the way the transition unfolded.   There was always something special and unique in those moments, and I realize now that they taught me that transition was remarkable, to be cherished and that we can let go of what came before with grace.

China Cat Sunflower > I Know You Rider transition Winterland 10-17-74

Lately, I have been in a big unanticipated transition.  Flung into this state by a failed relationship (and friendship), work challenges, a lack of direction and increasing awareness of my higher potential, here I am.  Although, unlike other times in my life (college, move, job, house), right now, I have no idea where I am heading.  I am living and breathing in the moments and days between. 

Years ago, not having any direction, end goal, or 5 year plan might have bothered me, and I am not without question in these moments, but I realize that this is exactly where I am, and where I need to be: soaking in the transition, living in this space.  So, I am taking a lot of time to pause, to just be in the moment.  I have been going on organized and personal retreats into nature and to study with teachers.  I have been reading, writing, and trying to be patient with myself.   And I have been letting go, and beginning to open up the space for some new things and people to come into my life. 

This letting go has been tough, and rather heartbreaking.  Sometimes we grasp onto what we have because, well, even if we aren’t as happy as we might be able to be, there is comfort in the familiar.  I know these patterns all too well.  But lately, I have realized that I deserve better.  We all deserve to have someone who actually loves us, rather than someone who pretends to until something else comes along.  We all deserve to have friends who treat us well and like they would want to be treated, rather than ignore us because they are just too busy or that are so saturated in their own stuff that they can’t even recognize when they are breaking our hearts.  We all deserve to have teachers who teach us with grace and love, rather than to poke at us when we open ourselves up.  We deserve to have jobs that fill us up, inspire us and that we are passionate about, rather than ones that drain our energy and have little appreciation for who we are.  It’s tougher than we like to admit, to let go of those things that do not serve us.   But here I am, trying to do so.

What I have been finding in this transition, is that the true friendships I have are stronger and I have more appreciation for them.  Opening up, I have connected with some of the most amazing and inspirational people than I have met in the past 10 years of my life and I know that their friendships will support me long into the future.  I have found magical new teachers to assist me on the next leg of my journey and I am finding new ways to reconnect with myself and the world around me.  I am writing and healing the damage that my career has had on me, and I look forward to what comes ahead.  And for now, I am being okay with just being.

And as I sit in this period of my life, listening, occasionally I can hear a few beautiful notes indicating a direction where I might be heading, and I smile, knowing that as time passes, the new song will unfold, and that the old song will fade into the past.  I have always been infatuated with transitions, on and off the mat.