During a massage the other day, the practitioner, a wonderfully
intuitive woman, mentioned to me that I appeared to hold myself in my
chest. At first, I thought, ‘how
beautiful, I am heart centered’ but when I inquired if that was what she meant,
she said, “no, you hold yourself up in your chest, like you are stuck there on
the inhale.” Even though I was
lying down, I could feel myself slump into the table…yes, it seems all my life
I have been holding the inhale…and the more and more work I do to heal and
realign to a better self, all it seems is that I’m now more aware and can
accept the notion that I am stuck on the inhale.
My childhood was not a beautiful basket of spring
flowers. It was more like a
tornado sweeping through the air, unclear of where and when it would touch down
next. My parents, at least three
of the four of them, had pretty short tempers. And I felt like I was often at the receiving end of some
kind of parental outrage. Now that
I am older, I can understand (and work on forgiving them for) how challenging
it must have been to be juggling a gaggle of children, jobs and
responsibilities. As a kid, I was
way less understanding, and had little ability to get out of the situation
(believe me, I tried). So, I
developed my own survival skills…I am blessed that my experience left me with
an amazing ability to tap into my intuition, to read people, the energy of a
room and into the space that I am surrounded by. All of these skill sets are things that make me so good at
my job. But, that type of
upbringing also kept me holding my inhale, waiting for the next bomb to go off. And I became more comfortable with it
than healthy people should.
When I was out on my own, in my 20’s I was used to the abusive
behavior of people towards each other, I had not yet learned that there was no
reason to accept it or to surround myself with it. Luckily, I had good friends who showed me love and light,
without the hurtful side effects. It was in this time of my life that I discovered yoga, scuba diving, running, connecting with my love of nature and music. And
finally, after living with an abusive alcoholic for almost 6 years, I had a
breakthrough…that I would not take it anymore, and would not allow those types
of people to populate my life. I
was going to stop surrounding myself with people who caused me to hold my breath, and learn how not to get stuck on the inhale, so I might finally be able to
breathe more freely…
My 30’s became a period of establishing who I was and what
served me. I worked my ass off trying to establish a firm footing as a woman in a man's profession. I traveled the world. I was plagued,
at times, putting my foot down so harshly that I became the one who should have
treated others better. The
pendulum had swung in the other direction. And while love had come into my life, it also walked out
because I was so unwilling to compromise the foundation I had poured for
myself. My practice deepened. My breath was freer, because I had less around it to hold it back, but I was still holding on…stuck on the inhale, and not really knowing how to let
go and just breathe with ease.
And now here I am, in my 40’s…love and lost again, survivor
of injury, caretaker to friends and family, in a job that seems to taken more
than it has given, and expanding my horizons to see what else might be out there
for me. I have amazing friendships and am blessed with the supportive and inspiriting connections in my life. I am trying to be aware,
both of my own energy and how I project it at others; how others throw their
energy at me and how much I am willing to take on. I am finding that much of the key is in my breath. On a recent trip home to my parent’s house, I saw myself falling into the same patterns, and I reminded myself that I have the ability to exhale, and release the energy of the moment. It is my choice to get stuck on the inhale, and take in what is being thrown at me, or not. And choose to exhale.
Many of my favorite things: scuba
diving, yoga, energy work, hiking and being active, rely on consciousness of
the breath. They say we study (and
teach) what we need to work on, and so my practice seems to revolve around the breath. While over the years, I have let go of so much (sometimes it
feels like too much), at times I am still stuck on the inhale, trying to experience all
of life and hold onto it, even when it may not serve me. So, I continue with my practice, a re-learning of sorts, and consciously reminding myself to exhale, to let go...Now if I could
just remember that every time I get stuck on the inhale...
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